Misunderstood Headlines: “Stuttering Gene Found”

The front page news was particularly exciting for aficionados of 70s television this morning, as they no doubt read the headline “Journal of American Medicine Association Announces Stuttering Gene Found” in the early edition with relief and gratitude. Not as well known to today’s generation, Stuttering Gene was a beloved household name for a brief period in 1976, and served as a hero to millions of fans who struggled with speech impediments similar to his own.

With his bushy mustache and endearing top hat, the inspirational comedian embraced the stuttering he had suffered from as a child and turned it into a poignant and endearing trademark rather than an albatross hanging around his mouth and tongue. He started each episode of The Stuttering Gene Show with the catch-phrase “M-M-Mind Your Druthers, Kids!!” and then plunged into a variety/dance/magic show unlike any other, with sidekicks Eunice the Eunuch and Floppy the Mouse with Minor Neurological Damage at his side. At the height of his success, Gene also doubled as "Bobby Dazzler" the mascot of the eponymous Italian mens swimwear company that advertised exclusively in gay newsletters on the West Coast and New Jersey.  Some of the greatest historical figures and actors in show business were once stutterers as children, most famously the Emperor Claudius of “I, Claudius” fame (who unfortunately ceded the throne to Caligula), and that “voice of God Himself” Mr. James Earl Jones. Several stars who went on to win Emmys and Oscars thanked Stuttering Gene personally in their acceptance speeches for helping them to love and accept themselves when they were tykes.

Given stiff competition by the likes of Don Ho and Mike Douglas, and with Land of the Lost stealing his ratings on Saturday, Stuttering Gene sadly crumbled under the pressure as 1977 neared. He grew out his hair and mustache to levels of unkemptness unacceptable to television audiences, displayed increasingly bizarre behavior, and when he officially changed his catch-phrase to “Hey Kids, Reach Inside Gene’s Grab Bag and See What You Can Pull Out!” it was the last straw for network execs. Gene (neé Harold Finkelsteinowitz) finally went into permanent retreat in a cave complex in South America, (where some say he was worshipped as a God by the natives), devoting his life to the completely superfluous task of translating the complete transcripts of The Stuttering Gene Show into Sanskrit. Many believed him dead or worse.

So it was an amazingly happy surprise when he reappeared this Thursday at a press conference in Britain to say he would be back in show business within months, launching his single “Please Don’t Make Me Say Mississippi” on iTunes and even considering TV offers. Members of the press core who had looked up to him in their youth were seen to be visibly struggling to hold back tears. A reporter for The London Times perhaps spoke for all of us when he said, “Stuttering Gene, it’s because of you that to this day I still mind my druthers . God bless you sir. God bless you.” Amen.

Posted by The Unfettered Editorial Staff on 5:39 pm Filed under All The Latest, Misunderstood Headlines, The New Stash. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry