Life Instructions 101: How To Make People Socially Uncomfortable, Episode 1

The Unfettered Letters Presents: Life Instructions 101

Part One: Mischief in the Social Environment

How To Make People Socially Uncomfortable, Episode Un,

The Camera Trick

Prestidigio the Magician, misogynist par excellence, misanthrope emeritus, and sixth most famous child entertainer in Paramus, New Jersey, returns with a new offering from his social bag of tricks.  He sends us this epistle:

Hey, true believers! Here’s some quick advice to make the day go by more quickly! Ever been walkin’ through a park, and watched as one of those morons asks a stranger to take a picture of him and his family, or him and the girlfriend? Talk about annoying. Everybody seems to be doin’ it these days. Sir Click-A-Way mosies up to some unsuspecting dolt and hijacks several unvaluable moments in his miserable life by making him photograph a group of people he couldn’t care less about. And not only that: the "volunteer" is inundated with instructions on how to push the button, how to adjust the focus, what F-stop to pick (if the camera was made before 1984)… etc. Well, here are some alternate instructions for you: a way to capitalize on this trend and make others squirm in their pants.

First, arm yourself with a camera. It doesn’t matter if it’s digital or one of those babies that makes an explosion everytime you take a picture; just get one. Then pick a nice-looking family having a picnic or playing frisbee together. Tell them that three months ago your entire family was killed in a freak hot air ballon accident, and that in a rage of grief you burned all of your pictures of them. Every single one. But you need memories. New memories. Plead with them to "be your family" for just one magical afternoon. Tell this family, let’s call them "The McGees," that you just want a picture with all of them, even Scruffy, to put on your mantelpiece and look lovingly at. If you really make it convincing, they’ll protest at first, say stuff like "maybe not appropriate" and "Mommy, that man is scaring me," but eventually the "better angels of their nature" will kick in and they’ll agree. You push everyone together, including little sister Susie, and here’s the kicker: as some loser walks by, ask him or her to take a picture of you and the Fam’. Squish everyone together, and give a big hug and insist on smiles all around. Once the guy takes a picture, you up the ante. Tell this newest photo-taking victim your hot air balloon story, and convince him that just in the time you’ve got to know him, you’ve become really attached. Maybe it’s because you have been so alone, but make him understand he’s got that ineffable something. Now he’s become part of your family. You need a picture of him and The McGees. You’ve even got a new name for your extended family – The Happys. Gather all the members of The Happys – whose motto is "strangers are just friends waiting to be made" – together – don’t forget Scruffy! – and scrunch ‘em in tight proximity. Grab another unsuspecting schmo who is unfortunate enough to be walking by and ask him to take a picture of the new and improved Happy family. After the picture is taken, just as everyone is ready to make a break for it, give the the same hot-air balloon story to the latest recruited Annie Lebovitz and you’ve got an even newer member of the expanding Happys. Then grab somebody walking by…well, you get the picture. Repeat as necessary. Keep going until you assemble quite a gathering, something that looks the size of a class reunion or office picture.

Bonus Tip: Sponsor a competition in your town: what maniac can get a picture of the largest new family?

Posted by The Unfettered Editorial Staff on 5:10 pm Filed under All The Latest, Broken News, Culturcide. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry