Is It Illegal Or Not To…?

New installments arriving soon here at UF of "Is It Illegal or Not To…?" -  part of our "Urban Legends of the Internet/Folklore Is The Academic Subject That Is Most Fun After Gym Class" Scholary Series.  First up in early March: "Is It Illegal or Not To…"

Stand behind a woman on the platform of the subway at night and audibly make the scary sound effects from Friday The 13th movies:  "chu-chu-chu….haah, haah, haah… chu-chu-chu…" until she is visibly upset?

Well, what do you think – is….it…illegal or not???

Just before you leave Starbucks duck back into the room, point at everyone one by one, and declare very somberly and somewhat peevishly, "in an hour, I’m coming back for all of you" and then walk out? (hint: you don’t ever go back, so you might want to pull this one in a far away town like Pittsburgh.)

Your guess is as good as mine: is…it…illegal or not???

Have loud cell phone conversations on the bus in which you pretend to plot to "take out the broad" with the help of Jimmy "The Viper" Pleganari, a capo regime who is supposedly on the other end?  (In reality it’s your buddy Two Fingers helping you out with a prank.) (And you gotta admit: you’d rather hear this than some teenybopper’s failed math test or a loudmouth go on and on about their annoying roommate.)

But I ask you, dear fellow: Where’s a law school student when you need one?  …is…it…illegal or not???

When a crying kid is told by his irate Mom at the coffee shop or bakery counter that it is "not chocolate time!" – proceed immediately to buy yourself four chocolate cupcakes eat them like a ravenous dog with icing dripping off your chin in front of the brat, decrying, "it’s always chocolate time for me, kid," like a cross between W.C. Fields and Hannibal Lecter?

….yegads! be it illegal or not!?

Go to Borders Book Store, ask for 50 packets of honey, and then go into the men’s or women’s lavatory and try to write the entire first sticky chapter of Ulysses on the bathroom wall?

Let’s hear it out there! …is…it…illegal or not???

Have an impromptu tea party or picnic with a fire hydrant?*  *(this one requires a lot of imagination, so be prepared if you’re gonna try to pull it off)

or 

While walking through the park, ask a rich lady very matter-of-factly if you can eat and/or date (or both, in any order) her little dog Snuffles, who she has crudely anthropomorphized by dressing up in a sweater and boots and such?  Offer the old bag ten bucks while fingering a bottle of ketchup you have just drawn out of your backpack?

….is…it…illegal or not?

Run down the avenue dressed in a striped jailhouse outfit with a broken chain tied to your ankle, constantly looking over your shoulder, and shouting, "I hear you, mother…I hear you, mother….!?

or wear a tee-shirt that says, "Ask me why I’m Charles Manson’s biggest fan!" to a church social?

or walk up to some silver-haired couple who are reminiscing about the days when their sexual organs still worked while they share a malted in an old-time ice cream parlor, rub your hands together conspiratorially, and ask the husband, "how much for ze old lady?"  (Be careful with this one: given the economy, the wrinkly dude might actually arrange something with you so he can finally have some peace and collect both social security checks.)

or wear a codpiece in Harvard Square that bears the face of the devil, Father of All Lies, the Non-Ashamed One, the Fallen Angel?

Hey America: IS…IT…ILLEGAL OR NOT???

Send your own "Is It Illegal or Not To…" to the Unfettered Letters at editors @theunfetteredletters.com.  We will try our best to use our crack research team to get you an answer within 48 hours!

Posted by The Unfettered Editorial Staff on 10:19 pm Filed under All The Latest, Broken News, Midnight Creeper. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry