MagnaCorp Calls For Kid-Help!

Hey kids! MagnaCorp needs your help! Have you ever volunteered? Maybe you’ve helped clean up your neighborhood, or done a good deed as a Boy Scout or Brownie, or maybe you’ve served homeless people at a soup kitchen, or entertained old folks at a retirement home? Well, MagnaCorp is looking for youngsters with gumption and get-up-and-go to assist them with tasks similiar to that, for a good cause. What is that good cause? Why, its MagnaCorp, of course. MagnaCorp is a major conglomerate. What the heck is a major conglomerate? you might ask. You shouldn’t worry too much about that, but just know that a "conglomerate" means groups of good guys that come together to form a super sized good-guy group! We’re like the Boys and Girls Club of America, or your local Y. We do things for the community and provide them with lots of things they need. So we need some gals and fellas like you to push up their sleeves, put in some elbow grease, and pitch in to do what YOU can for your town or city.
We need a lot of stapling done, and help filling out forms, and garbage and paper taken out, and lots of stuff stamped.

We need collating, which means making papers go in order, and lots of numbers and stuff put into a computer, and then more stapling. We know young rascals like you are good with computers.

We have lots and lots and lots of hours of doing these things, so bring a sleeping bag and some snacks.

What do you get in return for helping out MagnaCorp? Well, first of all, you shouldn’t even be asking that question, because work is its own reward. But we understand that young people sometimes like something in their pocket to take home. So we have put the Merit and DeMerit system into effect. What does this mean? When you do something good, you get a certain number of Merits, like 500. If you staple real good, you might get as much as 700 Merits. If you do something not so good, like staple too slow, or talk back to a MagnaCorp official, then you get a certain amount of DeMerits. You might get 200, or 400. What happens when you get a lot of DeMerits? Don’t ask that question, kid.

When you’re hanging out with the other kids in the neighborhood, playing kick the can or stickball, or harassing a small animal, why not put all that energy to good use and fuel MagnaCorp? It is a proven fact that technology has replaced God as the great existential context in the postmodern era. So help MagnaCorp, because God is dead, and the Mp3 player lives.

You might as well suck it up and do your part for MagnaCorp, because if you don’t volunteer voluntarily, we will come and get you. That’s right, we’ll drag you right off the playground or out of an Alanis Morisette concert and bring your butt down to MagnaCorp.

Say it several times: "MagnaCorp, MagnaCorp, MagnaCorp," until the word sounds funny and doesn’t seem to mean anything, and becomes a kind of animal call emerging from the deepest recesses of your collective unconscious.
MagnaCorp: we make ballistics for overseas militias, and fine cutle

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Posted by The Unfettered Editorial Staff on 11:00 pm Filed under All The Latest, Broken News, Spiritually Challenged. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry