Mating Rituals!

Welcome to R.P. Fuzzbunk’s Mating Rituals! This is a new feature here at Unfettered Letters, and each week the good professor Fuzzbunk will be looking at how different species in the animal kingdom commence reproduction. [At this time we think it important to note that Dr. Fuzzbunk is also a well-known, widely respected advocate for marijuana rights, including the legalization of Cannabis in the states of California and Nevada. -Eds.] He explains: "When animals ‘do it’ or ‘get it on,’ this constitutes a very important, some would say the most important, step in evolution. Without propagating themselves in a necessary way, many in the scientific community believe most animal species could not continue to survive at all. It remains to be seen. Many reductionists believe, however, that reproductive activities exist merely to maintain the persistence of a particular class or order of organism, without taking into account that the pleasurable friction created between flippers, or cotton-tails, antennae, or what have you, can be a serviceable and significant end in itself. Sometimes, animals will get kinky and will not only interbreed within a species, but will hop the line and try to get fresh will some fine philly in another genus. This gets us into the whole complicated matter of classification, and is better left to my graduate students in zoology – whom I am hosting a party for this Saturday night, by the way. I’ve got some great old Electric Light Orchestra LPs. In any case, all the layman has to know is this: most organisms, if they do happen to have some appendage hanging off, or sticking out of, their body or exoskeleton, are most likely fond of taking that appendage and sticking it somewhere, whether that be in an indentation in the opposite sex of the same species, a cavity in the same sex of the same species, or a light-socket. Forthwith I shall dispense with the preliminaries, and help shed some light on three different mating rituals now currently in effect in Nature’s environs:

1. The Sea Otter These creatures live in extremely cold water, and as such their bodies are covered with over a billion separate hair follicles, which keep them buoyant and insulated in the frigid temperatures in which they spend their lives. In fact, they have the most hair of any mammal; as such, sea otters are known as the Frank Zappas of the oceanic world. Their mating habits are quite unusual, in that they are very violent and tumultuous! During reproduction, the male otter bites the female right on the nose, and then holds her underwater for extended periods of time. Whoa, male otters! You guys are crazy! What’s up with all the rough play? (Just to let you know, a group of otters is called a "romp," so that should give you an idea of what these guys are up to. Also, female otters are given the nickname "Rudolph" by biologists, because of the nose-biting. I’m not kidding – I’m not making this stuff up.) The male also wraps his forelegs around the female’s chest to get a good grip on her. This kind of aggresive lovin’ alternates with more playful chases through the kelp and seaweed. The female otter, or "otteress," often tries to escape, but it’s never too long before the male catches her again. After the deed is done, many otters like to order out for pizza or read the love poems of Rumi to each other.

2.The Giraffe. The male giraffes, when they are ready to mate, initiate ritual combat with other males in order to establish dominance and prove their worthiness in impregnating a female in the group. They are therefore very macho creatures and will sometimes form male-only social clubs within the larger group, and give themselves names like the "Longnecks" or "The San Diego Spots." However, such "ritual combat" consists of "necking,’ or intertwining their necks with other males and rubbing vigourously until somebody wins, so it’s more like "Brokeback Mountain" than "Braveheart." What do you expect – they’re giraffes! They reach sexual maturity at 3 years and 10 months, so they like to get going early! They are relatively "non-territorial" over long time spans, which basically means a horny guy giraffe will try to shtup any female giraffe at any time! When the male gets the urge, he signals his readiness to a potential mate by tapping on the female’s hind leg with his foreleg or resting his chin on her back. Then he usually follows her, sometimes for hours, until she allows him to mount her. So, basically, the male nudges the female mercilessly for sex until she relents! Giraffes are like the Woody Allens of the animal kingdom! Even worse, no long-term bonds are formed between male and female. They just hump, and go on their way. It is therefore believed that giraffes entered their version of the sexual revolution approximately 4,000 years ago in Sub-Saharan Africa.

3.The Human Homo-sapiens have perhaps the most subtle, most complex mating rituals of all. There are several different environments in which they like to gather, so that the females can assess the males, and vice-versa, to determine who may be a good candidate for reproduction. One of these is the "discotheque," an enclosed area usually found in the first floor of a housing containment. The males arrive at around 6p.m., and drink over-priced alcoholic beverages until they are sufficiently stimulated and begin to reminisce about Bruce Springsteen concerts and talk about the Jets. In order to attract the females, they may wear elaborate clothing arrangements made of cotton or satin, or if older members of the tribe, polyester. They may use fancy tubes that clothe their feet, in bright colors, or a piece of specially designed and alluring material hanging about the neck. They may open the clothing around the torso slightly to demonstrate their possession of, and show off, hair growing on the chest (although in the last two decades this is done less.) They also may stuff tissue paper or the fancy foot-tubing material referred to above into the clothing covering their lower half, at the location of their genitalia, in order to accentuate the size-appearence of said genitalia. Usually this is done most frequently in areas in North America, such as the Bronx and select areas of Long Island and New Jersey. Once tribal beats and syncopations are played in the social environment, the females arrive and pair off with the males in highly ritualized behaviors in which the males attempt to demonstrate their dexterity and physical agility by performing gyrations and spinning effects with their bodies. The males may shove their crotches out toward the females, or shake their posteriors quickly back and forth in previously rehearsed movements. If the males perform these behaviors correctly, which are essentially a replication of the sexual act without fluids being released, and they are able to prove their mastery of such subjects as Jane Austen novels, motion pictures from France, and working with children, then the females will allow the males to take them to an undisclosed location and insert their penises into their vaginas. Many thrusting motions, as just occurred on the dance floor, are engaged in. Then both partners lay next to each other as morning approaches, feeling a mixture of shame, guilt, regret, and self-resentment. Both males and females may also talk at this time about their childhoods, or self-help books like "The Road Less Travelled." Then the mating ritual is over and they are back the following night to repeat the process.

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