Chicken Little Killed in Freak Accident

ITEM! Beloved Tales Come To A Bad End Files.

Chicken Little, the famous poultry guy who has become well known and allegorical for millions of school-age children over the years, was killed today in a freak accident by a stray remnant of Skylab, an advanced satellite that itself became famous (and notorious) when pieces of it fell out of orbit back to earth in the 1970′s.

Little had been in psychiatric treatment for nervous disorders, related to his belief about potential destructive forces in the upper atmosphere.  His friends said he had been self-medicating for decades with a combination of pain-killers and loose hens.  In 1994 he was accused of sexual battery, but the case did not go beyond a grand jury.  His friends kept telling him, "Big C, chill dude, you’re fucking paranoid."  But the man known to his friends and drug dealers as Crazy Chicken would not let it go.  His therapist hung herself in 1998, citing "the sky thing is bumming the shit out of me" in the suicide note, which was written in blood.

The release of a major film bearing his name recently was also rumored to have contributed to Little’s psychological problems.  Reportedly, he did not approve of the portrayal of his persona in the movie, and was quoted in the press as calling it "some lilly-livered Disneyfied glossed-over bullshit."  A chilling last message was left on his girlfriend’s voicemail, only hours before his untimely death.  Among other things, Little stated "I swear to Christ, it’s going to happen.  Jesus, please believe me.  Won’t someone please believe me."

The recipient of that message, Birdy Love, Little’s main squeeze, is now in mourning.  Herself a recovering Methodone addict who saw five would-be chicks lost to the frying pan at Denny’s,  Birdy hit the newsstand’s front pages last year when she resorted to selling eggs on the street before her own failed suicide attempt by, you guessed it, wire egg-beater (and razor blades).  Her suicide was also believed to be related to Little’s incessant warnings.  She is now fighting the Little estate to have Chicken’s tombstone inscribed with the words, "I told you useless fucks this would happen."

In related news: The Boy Who Cried Wolf killed by marauding Neo-Nazies.

Posted by The Unfettered Editorial Staff on 4:29 pm Filed under All The Latest, Broken News, Yes. Virginia There Is A Satan and He Is Your Blankie. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry