Up With Words! Presents “Irony: The Competition to Define”

Up With Words!, our venerable dept. of American linguistic sciences, did some research into the most difficult words to define in the English language.  Not surprisingly, topping the list for a third year in a row, is that impenetrable fortress of meaning, "irony."  (It’s like the "Stairway To Heaven" of words.)  Alanis Morrisette used it incorrectly in a hit song; Arnold Schwarzenegger has never used it; twenty-somethings are steeped deeply in its joys and sorrows, like so many teabags with nose rings, but couldn’t define the damned thing to save their indie music collections.  Well, Up With Words! was honored to help organize the 85th annual competition to define this holy grail of inscrutables, "The O. Henry I Sold My Rowboat To Buy You A Ring But You Cut Off and Sold Your Finger To Get Me A Paddle Invitational."  This year, two finalists squared off in the championship event, held at the Pabst Blue Ribbon Auditorium in Tacoma, Washington.  And they were colorful characters indeed: a Zen Master named Fu-Shun, the venerable fourth incarnation of the Sleeping Lightly Buddha, who is renowned for his linguistic wizardry; and Ebenezer Snipes, a grammar virtuoso since the age of four when he declined the verb "to ride my Bigwheel" in Latin (including the ablative!) for his stunned kindegarten class, and who is now a professor of Eastern religion and linguistics at Harvard Divinity School.  This is Unfettered Letters Language Correspondent Pep Wilson’s report from the field on the climactic night of the contest:

Things are tense in the auditorium.   The crowd is hushed.  Will "irony" finally be satisfactorily defined?  And will the requisite 80 points be scored to crown a clear winner?  We can only wait and see…  Each contestant sits in a chair facing the panel of judges.  As per the traditional rules of the competition, each contestant may request to have present at their disposal any tools or materials necessary to aid them in producing a reply.  Professor Snipes has requested a set of oil paints, a canvas, a ball of yarn, 6 million lira, a shotgun, a personal computer, a set of legos, a digital camera, a rubber chicken, a genuine hardcover second edition of Catcher In The Rye, three sticks of chewing gum, four pick-up sticks, and a bottle of tequila.  Fu-Shen on the other hand, in a bold and mysterious move, has only requested two items: a block of wood, and a calligraphy pen.  Here we go, folks, hold on to your hats, this is gonna be a wild ride…John Smalley, main editor of the American Heritage Dictionary and a fellow at The Alphabet Society, a linguistic think-tank in Washington, D.C., rises from his chair and for the eighty-fifth time, echoing in these august halls, the question is posed: "Gentlemen, how do you define irony?"  And they’re off!  The Swiss-engineered timing begins, and the race is on.  What’s this?  Fu-shen is sitting still!   …he seems to just be meditating, or deep in concentration.  It’s hard to tell.  What is he doing?  Meanwhile, Professor Snipes has begun working feverishly with all of his materials…typing furiously at the computer…then tying a series of Boy Scout-worthy knots in a string of yarn…now he’s ripping out every other page of Catcher In The Rye!  If this is madness, is there a method in’t?  Only time will tell… 

Well, language lovers, it’s now alsmost two hours into the contest and things have changed dramatically: After uttering something about "an event or occurence that reflects upon the meaning of a subject presented prior to it in such a way as to produce the unexpected revelation of meaning contained in that subject a priori  or a heretofore unexpressed connection between the event or occurence and the subject…"  Professor Snipes started shouting "I’m mad as hell, and i’m not going to take it anymore!"  Gee, folks, I hate to say this, but sounds like gibberish to my ears… In any case, the Professor then seemed to work himself into a frenzy and implode, spinning around and dancing, collapsing on the floor in a heap; he’s currently laying there covered in Tequila and yarn and smashed computer parts…He’s mumbling in…it sounds like Latin!  Meanwhile, Fu-Shen is still just sitting there!  What could this mean?  Does he have some secret strategy?  Are we going to see some Zen Ninja moves or tricks at the last minute?  He better act quick, whatever the plan.  The clock is counting down…ten seconds left…Snipes is still writhing around in yarn…Uh oh, there’s some movement in Fu-Shen’s corner…he’s doing something….hard to tell…he’s writing on the block of wood with the calligraphy pen…what is he spelling out?…I…R…O…Wow!  This is unprecedented in the history of the contest…I thought he might be going for the vaunted Southern Russian Defense…but no, he’s just clearly written "IRONY" on the block of wood.  Now he’s getting up with it in his hand…and he is walking over to Judge Smalley…and he’s raising the block of wood…and now he’s smashing it against Judge Smalley’s head, knocking him unconscious!  Wow!  Judge Smalley is out cold…felled by…well, you know the name of the competition. Game over! Genius!

Epilogue: Fu-Shen went on to receive the highest score ever recorded… a 98.8 cumulative.  Sadly, Professor Snipes is on leave from the university and is now receiving treatment at Bellevue hospital in New York for acute lingo-hysteria.   On a happy note, when Judge Smalley regained consciousness, he immediately attained enlightenment and now teaches "experimental Yoga" in California.

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