How To Date When You’re Over Thirty

1. As well as the classics, you’ve got to know all the latest bands, like Devo and Heaven Seventeen. This shows you’re hip to the scenes that are happening now, not just fifteen years ago, dig. Also, say "dig" a lot, like I just did in that last sentence. (It was good enough for Lenny Bruce, and you’re no Lenny, chico.) (Say "chico," sometimes, but sparingly.) If you meet a bird at a bar or an EST meeting, tell her all about your record collection. You could say something like, “I’ve got a ton of fine vinyl,” and then drop some heavy names, like Juice Newton or Manfred Mann’s Earth Band.
2. Wear a lot of musky scents. Contrary to popular notions, fancy stuff like Eau de Toilet and Giovanni just don’t do the trick. You need to simulate the smells of the jungle, or the bayou, and stimulate her on an animal level. She’s basically a bundle of instincts all fancied up in a blouse. Dig, it’s all strictly pheromones, or whatever it is that trees give off. It’s cliche, but don’t be afraid to unbutton that second button and let a little chest hair peek through too. Hirsute is a fancy word for "hairy." (You don’t need to know stuff like that; this isn’t English 101. Words will probably just confuse you, trust me. Just get on with the button jazz.) For variety, assuming you get that far, you might want to dye your pubic hair a different color. Stick to primary colors; (no fancy shades like "mauve" or "Tom Sawyer’s Fence White.")
3. On the other hand, you have to demonstrate some mastery of intellectual matters and a sensitive side. Prepare for a date by watching a Woody Allen movie, or reading a Samuel Beckett book. (If you’re reading this, you won’t understand much of Being and Nothingness; don’t worry, just let it seep in – a lot can happen through osmosis.) Insert the word "framework" into almost any sentence for nice effects. At the same time, we’re in a postmodern, post-feminist era in which being a chauvinist is respected (in a guilty pleasure way). Once in a while, tell her you would like to eat breakfast off her bare back in a hotel room, just like Frank did.
4. Don’t be afraid of women; that’s how you wasted your teens and twenties. You’re on a short slide towards death now, so you’ve got to make things happen. Also, most of the chicks you meet will be gaining a sense of the fragility of their own mortality too, and trying to assuage it by popping out some babies, so they’re easier targets. Be assertive. Accost her and say something profound and Zen like, "The lotus is blossoming, the clouds must be passing over the mountains." She won’t know what it means, but it will sound weird enough that she won’t question it.
5. Pad the resume. Make up some things in your past – remember, everyone in their thirties is doing it. Tell her you won the Medal of Honor (records on this stuff are really hard to check), or spent some time union-busting, or that you killed a man once with only a handkerchief.
6. Speaking of handkerchiefs, put a red or orange one in the front pocket of your blazer. Broads think it’s classy when instead of blowing your nose and just throwing it away, you blow your nose and put it back in your pocket. This is called "pulling a Gore Vidal" or "doing the Capote." It shows you care about what comes out of your body. If things are going really well, you can drop a double entendre: tell her later in the evening you’d like HER to be YOUR handkerchief.
7. You’ve got to have all the latest hardware, like they advertise in the best men’s magazines. If you’ve got a stereophonic cabinet system, don’t be afraid to feature it prominently in your apartment.
8. Offer to do something just for her, like run into a tatoo parlor and put her name on your chest or kidnap a rich kid.
9. You’ve got to emphasize your ethnic heritage, no matter how unsavory it is. This shows you’ve come into your own, know who you are, and are proud of it. (If you don’t know who you are, or aren’t quite sure what your specific ethnic heritage is, research one and apply it to yourself.) In other words, if you’re Jewish or Italian, be loud, garrulous and bordering on obnoxious. If you happen to be BOTH Jewish and Italian, tell her you’re Jewish from the waist up and Italian from the waist down. If you’re Irish, drink like a pig and romance her with swooning tales of how you once wanted to be a poet of the moors. If you’re South American, tell her you harbor Communist sympathies. If you’re black, tell her you have a dream.
10. If everything else fails, commit a violent act in her name, preferably against a syndicate of pimps who exploit young girls. Remember, Cybil Shepard liked Travis Bickle at the end of the movie after he did that.
Bonus Tip: Two words: Schlitz. Beer. They’ve started making it again.

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